Advent Descends

It's December, and do you know what that means? I can finally mention Christmas. Now, to those of you expecting grand and glorious gifts from Raz: don't. I mean, I might pop into Poundland to see if I can get you something that represents our many years of friendship. But right now I'm spending all my disposable income on fruit. Yeah, you read that right. My body's had such a deficiency of healthy food I'm actually beginning to crave it now.

So, three doors down (not the song, idiots, on my advent calendar) and I'm getting into the Christmas spirit. Sort of. I mean, there are things that are annoying me. And do you know what they are? The cleaner who was outside my room at 10am this morning and woke me up. Yeah, 10am. Don't judge me. Why, of course, dear readers, it is boys that Raz is talking about once again. Can we ever get away from this topic? I really doubt it.

I have an essay in tomorrow so I guess I should really be panicking about that, if I'm truly to have the cliché of a blog entry that this is turning out to be. I've done 553 words for a 1500-word limit, though, so I don't think the end of the world is nigh right yet. Actually, you never know. The River Ouse (running through the centre of York) is 14 feet above where it should be this week. Apocalypse, Now?

The point being that the essay I have to hand in is for my seminar group. The one where I've chosen to be seeing someone from it? Yes. Actually, we've had two seminars since we first kissed. The first one was quite odd, I kept feeling like he was mightily uncomfortable (he probably was). The second one was nice, he smiled at me a few times. It's hard to be romantic when you're talking about the Great Fire of London. The thing is, things have been good (yes, casual) and I like him. And I didn't necessarily want to marry him or anything. Admittedly, he had accidentally called me his girlfriend whilst blind drunk. And introduced me to his friends. But then he comes on Skype and wants to "check we're on the same page" and "keep it casual". Well, yes. But now I'm beginning to wonder whether, quite simply, you're the biggest twat I've come across. The "I think I need time to make that change" statement better be true. Wanker. Anyway, head detached from heart time. I know exactly what I'm doing now. I just know not to let myself get attached. Which is, of course, completely impossible. But hey ho. Maybe I'll just write it off as another mistimed, misunderstood one? I don't want to, because he genuinely is very sweet, and did qualify it with a lot of "I really like you". And has since text me to make sure I'm OK (I currently have a stonking cold that he's nursing me through).

I think I'm trying to make excuses for someone who essentially said 'I don't like you enough to want to be with you. But I'll kiss you until I find someone who I do like that much'.

Tricky. Very tricky.

Decision Time

I said I jinxed everything here. It's been less than two weeks since I even considered this boy a possibility and yet I feel pretty good about it right now. I guess I don't want to talk about it too much because I'm always aware of who could read this: my name is hardly encoded over here, if you searched hard enough you'd find it. People here do know I write a blog I just haven't told them where it is, and haven't encouraged them to even ask. So basically I'm going to say this: things are pretty good right now. I like him, he likes me, I handed in an essay this morning and I'm feeling slightly more organised. Oh, and I have chocolate! I'm far less secure financially than I thought I was - I've been spending a lot more than I strictly need to - but cutting down for the next three weeks whilst people have essays is not going to be too tricky.

In other news, I'm running for the position of Bar Rep in my college. Each college has a rep and their function (as well as being on the JCRC, the student body representative committee) is to liaise between the (usually private-owned) bars and the students. My college bar is owned by YUSU, our students' union, and therefore our two main responsibilities across the year would be 1. Running a weekly bar quiz on a Sunday night and 2. Organising Freshers' week for the autumn of 2010. I've just found out that the four of us (you have to run in groups) are running against a group of four guys. I was very much hoping to run uncontested. Still, we have something called hustings tonight in our college bar, which basically involves drinking competitions and 3-minute speeches (always a good combination). I'm the only girl from eight people running, so I might try to use that card. Although honestly the woman's touch in our group probably comes from Tom.

Time For Tears

I guess it's time I started telling the truth over here. I don't really know what blogging is all about, and I doubt I ever will. I do like it that no-one here knows I write a blog (lie: one boy does but I said it in a way that made it pretty clear I didn't want anyone to know the location of it), and perhaps that's a good thing. The only problem is my main subject is boys. And do you know why that sucks? I can immediately think of three good reasons:

1. I'm not as air-headed as that. Well, I'd like to think I'm not. You don't want to think that I'm vapid enough to only think about boys in my life. And I'm not. But you probably don't want a long blog entry about Andrew Marr's new show on BBC1 or the perils of working as a prostitute in early modern London (thanks, History seminar). So I guess that boils down to friends, drinking and boys. They're the fun things. And I can't talk about drinking because I'm a student so to the rest of the population I sound like an alcholic.

WORRYING SIDE NOTE: I'm not sure precisely how much alcohol I have consumed, but I think my liver might be turning into mulch.

Anyyyyway, I don't want to be a broken record.

2. I seem to jinx everything. Like, EVERYTHING. Clearly I've never talked about a relationship here that's worked out, but that's the way life is. If all my relationships worked out then I'd be in jail for bigamy and frankly my blog just wouldn't have the same vim and vigour. But I just hate the idea of looking back in a week's month's time and seeing myself saying "I totally LOVE HIM, he is AMAZING and nothing will ever go wrong". Argh. It makes me feel a little bit embarrassed when I see pictures of myself with ex-boyfriends on Facebook. I feel a bit like everyone is saying 'We could see from this picture everything was going to go tits up'. Also at university things move pretty quickly. Not like 'Hello, Sex' quickly. I don't necessarily mean physically. But emotionally, because we tend to spend a concentrated amount of time with the same people, relationships and friendships move quickly. So I think I like someone, then things go wrong and I'm upset and then it turns out I'm fine being friends... and that all happened in two days. It makes me sound ridiculous. And I don't want to sound ridiculous.

Fuck. I've totally forgotten the third reason. And it was a good reason, too. I remember it was a good reason because I was pleased I had a proper list. Two things is an annoying number, an incomplete view. My brain clearly is not communicating properly with me today.

Basically what this whole rant was about is this: I've talked to my ex-boyfriend and I think he's sweet and lovely, which is why I feel quite guilty. There's a boy in my History seminar and I really like him. And he likes me. And that's about all I can say right now. Yeah, I've kissed him. Yeah, he's coming to see New Moon with me. And we'll see where things go.

The Streets We're Walking On

I just had a bit of 'oh, blog!' moment. Isn't that fun? I haven't written here for such a long time, and things are a bit intense here, so it's hard to work out what's happened since I've written: shit tends to go down pretty quickly.

I've hardly done any work in the past few days. Yes, I can get away with it. Blah blah blah, how much you hate students, especially those who take History and can get away with doing sweet FA. I have heard your rants. I only have five hours' worth of timetabled contact time (i.e. lectures and seminars) per week, so my friend Jennie (who has twenty, being a Physics student) is the one who I let rant and rave at me: even with extra reading there's no way I spend that much time working. I wish I had the motivation to sit in my room and read entire books, but I really only read the chapters I think will make me sound like I've done a lot of work when really I was on Facebook all day.

The one thing that is good about perpetually having work to do is that I'm beginning to tidy my room a lot more. This seems to be a fairly universal trait: not only is my room tidy, but my desk has been moved around to a different side and I've done all the washing I had to do. Oh, and I washed up all the dirty plates and cups left out in the kitchen. And I wrote a card to my mum.

Which reminds me, my mother will be here for the first time this weekend, and I'm VERY excited. The woman is a bit of a legend, and I seriously miss her. I got two joke Christmas cards from her this week: the sort that have little cartoon puppies being licked by a cat under a branch with a robin on (OMFG I wish I was kidding, I just described one of them). They made me sit giggling in my room by myself like a total moron, but boy am I glad I already knew she was coming for the weekend: I think I would have been on the phone persuading her to come if not. Also I'm hoping that my friend Jennie can come to dinner with us tomorrow, as I think Mum and Jen would get on really well! I'm looking forward to some proper nourishment.

Frontin'

So I'm in a really good mood today. Sorry about that, people who hate happiness.

I'm feeling good about the girly night we had last night, I'm feeling a lot better about a situation with a boy (oh God, let's not go there) and I've done 850 words of a 1,500-word essay that's due in for Monday. I'm basically a genius.

Admittedly, my head isn't exactly as headache-free as it should be. And the computer screen is swimming in front of my eyes a wee bit. But I'm basically perfect.

Isn't it funny how music can make you feel anything in the world? Most of the time it just makes me want to dance like there's something slightly mentally wrong with me. But sometimes it makes me want to cry. And right now it makes me feel like I'm from the hood. Jay-Z isn't good for white girls, it makes us feel all legitimate. When I'm not. I'm wearing a pashmina, for goodness' sake.

So, the boy thing? I lasted like two paragraphs without talking about it. I have one who likes me. Sounds arrogant, but he's actually told me that, so it's not just my sixth sense. I don't have that sense. The thing is, I do like him. He's hot. But I really like another boy who's very different. He's much more sincere, he's probably my best guy friend since we've been here. [Admittedly, there's a guy I'm basically in love with but he's so unattainable I don't think I actually believe he's a real person.] He confuses me. To start with he made it pretty clear he liked me, but I had a boyfriend. And now he is being quite... stand-offish? But I did say to him that I still cared about my boyfriend (true) and that I didn't really want to leap into anything. Not to try and put him off, but because I was sharing with him. Because he's my friend.

This isn't fair anyway. I don't want or need a boyfriend. But you can't help yourself wanting your texts to be from a certain person, can you?

It's Alright

There are many many things to say (as always), so I will try and get through everything without writing the longest blog entry you’ve ever seen. It might not work. If you or any of your friends suffer from insomnia, you might just be about to fall in love with me.

Last night was Hallowe'en (oh, sorry, you didn’t know?) and my flat and the floor below us put on a little bit of a B Block party, which was hilarious and shameful in equal measures. For starters, can I get a little bit of a pat on the back? This is NOTHING to be proud of, but four girls on my floor vomited and I didn’t. In fact, I looked after two of them quite competently. And yes, I am proud of myself. Even if I was a little bit too tipsy to actually move Laura and had to have help. Rubbish. Kimmy kissed Mr Bulgaria (yes, his name is Ivan, but we overlook these things), Laura dirty danced with someone demonstrably from university (and therefore not her boyfriend), Claire was dressed up as Velma and kept taking ‘Scooby Shots’ (one half Baileys, one half vodka) that Zack (dressed as Shaggy) had made. It got very very interesting. But actually, it was a really good night. Everyone has acknowledged that the sickness was really only an irritating afterthought to what was a very good night.

I’ve been noticing the extent of the ‘sex talk’ this week. Especially last night, when Jess, Andy (a boy from first floor) went for a walk around the Quiet Place (a small garden in Derwent College) and were completely astounded to find that all of us were basically at the same place in our sexual experience so far. I knew about Jess, we’d already bonded at Viking Raid about that. But Andy? It was lovely to find someone else who was as intimidated as we were by all the chats that we just kept quiet in. I’m very lucky in two ways: 1) I was very open and honest on the first night about my virginity and 2) everyone here is wonderful and accepting. I don’t know what I expected: some sort of laughing fit where everyone judged me for being naive and childish? Whatever I did, these people are nowhere near that. Even Sober Sam (so called for being the only non-drinker on our first night: the name is now ironic as he drinks a whole load) has admitted he respects it. And all we ever do when it’s just us two is talk about his sexual exploits. Which is A LOT, because we go to watch football together.

I wish I had the motivation to work more...

I don’t really know what’s going on with me and boys. I only broke up with Ben last weekend and DEFINITELY don’t want to go out with anyone else right now. There are two or three people I acknowledge as very pretty, and it’d be very flattering if they felt the same way, but I don’t think I’m quite at the stage where I really like anyone. Maybe Sam? But really we’re just friends, and tend to talk about each other’s love interests. He’s very honest with me, which I really appreciate. I don’t want to get to the point where I get confused about what I feel for him.

Anyway, Hallowe'en was a B Block thing and didn't include any of the guys I'm talking about, so it was nice to have a bit of a night with my girls.

A Not-To-Do List, also known as Raz's Adventures into Homesickness

So up until yesterday I'd been feeling really overly complacent content with university and everything that's happening to me here. I feel really settled, like I have some really good friends and flatmates who were going to help me through a lot. That hasn't necessarily changed, but I feel a lot less secure and a lot less normal. In fact I feel shaken and pretty freaked out.

I guess I'm just scared. Susie wrote a blog entry about how people are changing at uni into people she doesn't really respect anymore, and it made me think a lot about what I've been writing here and perhaps how I've been behaving differently to the naked eye. I know I've said here I've changed but in my mind I suppose I wasn't thinking that people would ever take that in a really negative way. It doesn't matter whether the entry was about me or not in a way: in my head it was about me and therefore what I'm thinking as a result of that is about me because I'm so hopelessly self-centered.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want people to think differently of me because I'm not in contact with them as much. Three people from home phoned me yesterday a bit out of a blue (although not really, I'm guessing) and it was just lovely to speak to them. I suppose I'd thought it'd be really tough to speak to them but it wasn't, it felt good and it felt natural and I'm inspired to just call people up for a chat because I do miss everyone. I suppose I hadn't reconciled myself with being happy here and really deeply missing people from home but I realise now that actually they're not mutually exclusive: I can be a human being and miss my friends without wanting to ignore everyone in York.

Despite all this life-affirming soul-searching I still feel a bit 'off' today. I broke up with Ben on Sunday and I guess I've felt a bit weird after that. It was definitely what I wanted, and what I still want. I don't think I yet have the ability to explain it past 'it didn't feel right' and to be honest it might never be more complicated than that. Still, my friend Jennie has an almost-boyfriend here already, yes part of our wider group of friends but still it's something that does mean I don't spend a load of time with her all the time... we were never going to be able to stand that much of each other anyway. On the other hand, of course, I needed a hug last night and went to her room and we sat watching Boy George on Jonathan Ross together. She is there for me when I need her.

I guess I'm not close enough to these people yet to truly dump my crazy on them. The people at home knew what I liked and didn't like, what riled me and the things that made me cry. And when I was crying they might have thought I was damn annoying but it was a hug and an offered crisp and then I could chat about it and we'd thrash it out. When I'm there with university friends I think the whole traumatic thing will be... well, not traumatic.

For now, though, I think I need to get on calling home.

University Firsts...

1. I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday and now we're talking about it on MSN.

2. I'm scared that I've done something but I don't know what it is.

Making Sense Of It All

Oh HI. Are you there? Anyone listening?

By the way, it'd be nice to know that you are. I know that there's this random dude in Madagascar that thinks I write some amazing shit but people who I know and comment on, I'd love to be dropped some sort of memo that I'm not writing this to satisfy my own crazy. (And some Madagascarian fella. Yeah, that's a word. Bitch.)

Oh, just a heads up. Uni is making me swear A LOT more. I think it's because we have MILF on our floor (a.k.a. Emma, a 3rd year), she's Geordie and the language is infecting me.

So do you need some updates? I think you do!

Firstly I guess I need to evaluate what I said before. The girls on my floor are AMAZING. Jennie is my best friend here and knows everything that's going on in my head and goes out with me every night. She's the one who texts me at 3am with a "SHIT I need a chat can I come and knock?" text. We eat winegums and pasta and drink Diet Coke together and she's a complete legend. Oddly enough she reminds me of a girl I was friends with a while back (Gemma, for those in the know), but she's very different in other ways.

Chloe is strange, I can't remember whether I'd met her when I last wrote (and if so, whether I even remembered to write her down). She didn't spend the first couple of days with us but has been out since. MILF originally didn't like her but either they've been spending time together and she's still not sure or they're getting to like each other. I'm not quite sure yet. She speaks as though it's forced. I don't swear a lot (like I said, it's increasing but I'm hardly a trooper just yet) but it sounds like she's never heard the word in her life before. Laura is awesome and so so funny, and she does a great impression of the way Chloe says "fuck it" to absolutely EVERYTHING. She's very frustrating. Not only that but there's this aspect of her that I guess she thinks she has to be hardcore and university and stuff. She always talks about her boobs/bum/whatever and wears low-cut tops to play Twister with us all. She drinks a lot (although during Twister it made her really hot and sweaty and ew) and I guess wants all the guys to like her but I know they find her frustrating. Also on the first Wednesday we were here she had what we like to call 'inter-floor relations' with a guy called Will from downstairs. He's sweet (for those on Facebook, the guy who looks nice who's NOT Will-with-the-glasses-from-D-block) but really not... fuckable? And we found out the next day (from him, when he was wasteddd and confiding in me whilst sitting in the doorway of BHS in town) that she was a virgin before him.

Now I have no problem with either a) the fact she was a virgin - hello, how could I? or b) the fact that she lost her virginity quite quickly as she came to uni. I KNOW that it feels weird, and different and strange here. I've had to talk to Ben and make myself feel normal again because I didn't want to go completely insane. I felt like I was going to. But seriously? Just calm down, stop trying to impress everyone and get off with him or something. Sleep with him this week. I don't mind as much as I did because now they're actually talking to each other again but instinctively I like him better than her so I guess I thought it was ... funny? That sounds completely harsh. But when he has SCRATCHES down his back and love bites literally covering his neck you really have to laugh. MILF hates him, maybe that's why she likes Chloe now? Although she makes hilARIOUS pointed comments, such as: "Chloe, do you like this dress? Oh yeah, but you thought Will was vaguely attractive." On our floor there is no such thing as shame. Which, yes, I love.

I'll come back at some point and probably won't talk about my course, the other people in my flat and the guys we're really good friends with now. I sort of want to vent about how I feel simultaneously like the same old Raz and also a completely new person. I haven't been to CU yet and I'm not sure how to broach that, but the head of my college's CU messaged me today to ask how I was settling in, and to ask whether I want to go for a coffee. I think I want to go and speak to her about how I'm feeling and how unsettled I'm feeling in my faith.

The good thing is that this really feels like home.

An Introduction

Hello and welcome to my flatmates. I've been coerced into writing this blog entry (love you) but I was going to give you a lovely run-through anyway.

So first off there's Claire, who always comes first because she commands the most attention. A little bit geeky but loud and lovely. She's louder than me (those who know me might find that hard to believe), has a long-term boyfriend and always has A LOT to say about everything, even if someone else might have a bit more authority on the subject. Her heart is in the right place, though, and I've already talked to her (and others) about boyfriends/religion etc. We've had some bonding sessions, she's washed up my coffee mug. I think we're going to be OK.

Then there's Laura, who seems like a total sweetheart, and she's from Lancaster. She's not quite as worried as I am about some stuff (i.e. whether people will like me because of this and that and blah blah blah ARGH EVERYONE HATES ME). She has a long-term boyfriend too, and she also took comfort from the fact that other people did. We're getting ready for the Freshers' Ball together tonight and she's been really lovely to me. I'm very aware of clinging to her a bit much, which could lead her to hate me (did we say paranoia?) or get a little irritated, but she seems to be the person I get on with the best so far.

The other person I feel I have quite a bond with (so early!) is Jess. She's doing History, and she's been walking around campus with me today working out when and where we have lectures. The History department is monumentally confusing, but we've been working together to calm each other down. We've got on really well. Jess is quite posh (I would say) and doesn't seem to be as involved in the 'sexual experiences' conversations that have already come up. She's holding back, and smiles at me when I have admitted my relative inexperience. Actually, everyone's been awesome about making me feel relaxed: I'm not sure why I was worried about feeling immature and young, but I was, and that hasn't been a problem at all.

A quicker run down of the remaining people who I will explain later: Kimmie, a quiet-ish girl who seems to be sweet but (dare I say it) a tad boring for my liking. Sam, the boy next door (literally, not in the charming sense), who seems a little weird and probably not my 'type' of friend, but basically well-natured and sweet. Ivan, a Bulgarian student who seems very clever, doesn't say a whole heap but is lovely. Safa, originally from Iran but living in London since he was 7, awesome, up for a laugh, very sweet, bad hangovers! Jeanie, a Belgian girl who frankly seems quite stuck up and not someone I'd ever be really good friends with. Jennie (confusion!), a slightly emo-looking girl who seems down-to-earth northern and extremely lovely. Emma (the Geordie one) who's a 3rd year and awesome, very loud and very very frank. Already heard a lot about her sexual experiences but loving her laughs and her attitude to everything. Emma (the short one), who seems quite introverted and doesn't respond all that much to conversations. She tried to get in on a round as it was being bought last night and didn't manage, I hope it didn't turn her against us! Hugh, the gay Physics student who's simply gorgeous, very sweet and someone I'd already talked to a little bit beforehand. Isabelle, Jess' roommate (the only twin room on our corridor) who's from Hong Kong, and seems to be hanging out elsewhere so far. She seems fine though. Andy, a 4th-year student who is quite geeky but has some decent advice to pass down. Chloe, who's loud and larger than life and to be honest not my type of girl. We were talking about where we came from and my girls' school experience was immediately TRUMPED. In that fashion, cutting across me and sticking the girls' convent down as a high card. To be honest I wasn't aware it was a competition, but fine. There's also Seb, an American from Connecticut who seems zoned out, and seems older because he appears to disapprove of all of us. We're all still good little students, and went to our Fire Safety talk, and he was very blasé about it all which I think shocked a few people.

Phew. That's a lot of people to remember. I'm sure there are more! We have a lot of people on our floor, and basically share one big kitchen with a lot of cupboard and fridge/freezer space. We have another crappy kitchen with a kettle/grill in but no tables or chairs, and that's nearer me. We also have about five showers between us and three or four toilets. I'm getting used to it all, and will probably update more later. I haven't been to any History events yet, but the introductory talk is then and actually I want to meet some boys as I tend to be friends with guys quite, er, well (?) so it'd be nice to meet some I really got on with. My flatmates (the guys, that is) are sweet but not really who I'd be close to, I think. I've also signed up for netball trials for my college (eek!) and I want to get involved in Christian Union and either Nouse (the student newspaper) or the TV station for the university.

I'm off to get ready for the Freshers' Ball and to do some female bonding with my beautiful girly flatmates. Pictures to follow (maybe).

And if my Mum asks, no I wasn't drunk when I texted her last night, I was just getting the hang of my new phone. We love our 2nd and 3rd year contacts - STYCs (pronounced 'sticks') - and they definitely DID NOT steal our floor 10 bottles of wine from the Provost's talk. DID NOT.